Friday, 20 February 2015

How To Deal With An Insect Situation

I think I mentioned earlier that I have a new reptilian roommate named Oliver.
Well, he is pretty quiet and clean and keeps to himself, so we get along just fine. No problems.
As I was resting on my bed for a moment this evening, I happened to glance upwards at the ceiling of my room. I saw a shadowy figure above my head. I shuddered a bit, as I tend to do when I see creepy crawlies, even decent ones like Oliver, but I then I ignored it.
For a while.
Then I looked back.
"Oliver" looked...different. Wait...was that another set of legs?
I squinted for a better look, an icy fear creeping over me.
That was no friendly lizard!
But what WAS it?!
I saw up and tried to examine this terrifying discovery, without disturbing it.
What I saw was quite horrifying.
An insect as long as my hand, with six long spidery legs, far-reaching antennae, and a thick.shelled body that looked like it could use a good crunching, hunkered down among the shadowed rafters.
I struggled to contain the vomit rising in my throat, and was incredibly grateful for the thin but protective gauze of my misquito net. The only thing between me and this monster.

In such situations, here are the steps to follow, if you want to deal with it like an expert such as myself:

1. Stare at the intruding insect for a very long period of time, willing it to die. Make sure your heart is pounding with fear, and every sense is on high alert. This is crucial for the next step as well.

2. Slowly gather your courage and remove yourself from the protection of your misquito net. No sudden movements, since that will probably cause the insect to attack you. Never take your eyes off the enemy.

3. Repeat step 1.

4. Remove all clothing, bedding, etc. from the surrounding area. The fight will likely get a little hectic, and the last thing you want is for the insect to take cover in your covers.

5. Repeat step 1.

6. Find a weapon. A shoe, a broom, whatever you can find that will give you some method of killing the beast, but from a safe distance. Slowly approach the offender.

7. Repeat step 1.

8. Attack! And scream like a total ninny.

9. Assess the effectiveness of your attack. If unsuccessful repeat step 8 until a new result.

10. Ask for a flashlight if your enemy disappears. Check under the bed, in the bed, all around the surrounding area, etc.

If, like me, you are unsuccessful in slaying your enemy, and it disappeared into the unknown to haunt your every waking thought...well, I guess we are both going to lose some sleep.


MashedTaterz said...

I'm sorry to hear you were unable to slay your formidable insect foe, but it is a good thing you had us three brothers growing up to provide the ideal model for dealing with such situations (minus the ninny-like screams).

I am confident you will be the victor and I pray your next encounter will provide more closure to this situation.

Kriss said...

I shuddered on more than one occasion while reading this! Hopefully you will be able to destroy said foe and rest in peace every night.